His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need water and some morals
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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