You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
