Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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