I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
