I wish I could punch you in the face.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
