I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
