i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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