my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
