Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
