i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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