you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize