Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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