So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
