Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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