god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
