someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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