remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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