Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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