You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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