I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
