Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
