Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the condom got lost in my hair
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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