I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
