Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
