Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
