I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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