I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
