I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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