you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
