My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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