so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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