At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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