Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I believe in your delicious
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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