Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
