I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
