I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
