Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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