my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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