you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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