just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize