mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
