I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
