I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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