I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
