I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
