Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
