apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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