My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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