everyone is single if you try hard enough
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
