he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
