Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
