I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i've created a new STD.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
