They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
