How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
