apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
