God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
