I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
