omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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