She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
