omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
