dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
