went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
