I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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