An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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