Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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