So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
