I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize