so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
