I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
