We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
