FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
