Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
