I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
