I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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